As I said I might do in the NNT updates, here's the latest on what the deal is with my fatigue. I went for a checkup in late November (I was supposed to go in a lot earlier, but my doctor went home sick that day, which seems ironic but I guess doctors are human too ). So I finally got in, and told her about my fatigue. She ordered a complete panel of blood tests, most of which came back normal (no diabetes, no anemia or leukemia, thank goodness, cholesterol just a weensy bit high). But my inflammation markers came back with numbers that made me wonder if the folks at the lab were on drugs that day. (20 on a scale of 0.7 to 5.) Unfortunately, they weren't.

Back for a followup, my doctor told me that in the absence of any obvious illness or infection, this high level of inflammation indicates autoimmune activity. That is, my immune system has begun attacking me. Or, in other words, my germ fighters think I'm the germ. She ordered a bunch more tests; unfortunately, this was on New Year's Eve and the lab courier decided to knock off early for the holiday and never showed up to collect the samples. So I had to go back several days later and get another four tubes of blood re-drawn. Anyway, she was testing to see what organs/systems were being targeted - most of the time, autoimmune disorders will target something specific, for example, as in rheumatoid arthritis or lupus. But everything came up negative, so the best she could do was that I have an unspecified/non-specific autoimmune disorder.

It's a chronic condition, meaning that it doesn't get cured and go away, but she was also very careful to reassure me that it isn't life-threatening. However, it's a serious quality-of-life issue, since it can be very disabling. She ordered me to stop taking synthetic vitamin supplements (partly because of this, I guess, and partly for other reasons) and to get more sleep and better quality sleep, exercise regularly, and take natural fruit and vegetable supplements along with an overall improvement in my diet. We're trying this for four months, to see if I have any improvement. Hopefully I won't have to go on medications, since the meds for this have pretty nasty side effects.

So far I'm noticing some improvement. Before, I had 2-3 usable hours a day. This included cooking, chores, errands (or any kind of being out of the house), exercise, showering, EVERYTHING. Now, most days I have 4 or so usable hours. Still not great - the standard is being able to work an 8 hour day and still be able to take care of necessary daily tasks, probably 10-12 hours a day. But definitely better than it was. I also have a lot of achiness and "brain fog," which I'm not sure are getting any better. And one thing I noticed since I started working on NNT again is that my hands hurt a lot more when I type than they did last summer. But I'm holding out hope that this is something I can learn to live with and enjoy a decent quality of life, even if it never completely goes away.

Mood:  down

I finally decided to acknowledge that the level of fatigue I've been living with for years is NOT NORMAL. Most people don't feel like this. Most people aren't wiped out for the rest of the day by a 45-minute workout on the elliptical trainer. Most people don't need TWO WEEKS to recover from a weekend trip to a football game.

I've been tired for as long as I can remember, at least since Aaron, who's 11 now, was a baby. I thought it was because I had two young boys, who were both real handfuls, to look after. Then I'd see my friends with 3 or 4 or 5 kids and all the things they did and think, They've got even more kids, they must be even more tired, but look at everything they do, I must just be lazy and weak. But now I've realized they DON'T feel like this. My friend with seven kids, whose idea of "me time" is a 60-mile bike ride, doesn't feel this tired all the time.

I thought it was having young kids. I thought it was the depression. I thought it was the, er, female trouble and the resulting anemia. I thought it was the anxiety and panic attacks. I thought it was deailng with two busy boys in school. I'd start to feel better, get a little energy, and then something, a cold or a trip or a stretch of busy days, would knock me down again. Now, with my "baby" in junior high and my older son out of the house and off to college, I've finally realized that I'm not going to wake up one morning magically feeling better.

It's been especially frustrating because all the things that are supposed to give you more energy don't help me. Exercise is supposed to energize you; it knocks me flat for the whole day. I'd been thinking maybe I was exercising wrong. Getting more sleep is supposed to restore your energy; if anything, I feel worse after 8 hours of sleep than I do after 5 or 6. Healthy diet: I eat a healthy diet, in fact, thinking that a little more healthy food would give me a boost of energy has helped me put on 40 pounds.

So I'm thinking I've probably got chronic fatigue syndrome.  I'm going in for a physical next week (had to anyway; my doctor holds my blood pressure med refills hostage unless I go in and see her every couple of years) so I'll talk to her about it. I'm also thinking maybe a thyroid imbalance, but kind of doubt it. There isn't really any treatment to cure chronic fatigue, but there are ways to manage it, and maybe increase your energy a little. Mainly I want to learn how to cope with it, and be able to do as much as I can, and not feel guilty for knowing my body's limits and respecting them. No, I can't do everything that other people I know do but I do what I can even though it's hard. I just want to be able to do things like normal people without always being overwhelmed with fatigue to the point where I can barely move or think.

New favorite song: "This Time Imperfect," by AFI. Hidden track from the "Sing the Sorrow" album. (YouTube videos: live performance and album version with DNAngel AMV.) I've listened to this about 500 billion times in the last 6 days. Heart-wrenchingly beautiful. The lyrics are going up on the NNT dedications page; perfect for Nephrite's death scene.