Mood:  down

I finally decided to acknowledge that the level of fatigue I've been living with for years is NOT NORMAL. Most people don't feel like this. Most people aren't wiped out for the rest of the day by a 45-minute workout on the elliptical trainer. Most people don't need TWO WEEKS to recover from a weekend trip to a football game.

I've been tired for as long as I can remember, at least since Aaron, who's 11 now, was a baby. I thought it was because I had two young boys, who were both real handfuls, to look after. Then I'd see my friends with 3 or 4 or 5 kids and all the things they did and think, They've got even more kids, they must be even more tired, but look at everything they do, I must just be lazy and weak. But now I've realized they DON'T feel like this. My friend with seven kids, whose idea of "me time" is a 60-mile bike ride, doesn't feel this tired all the time.

I thought it was having young kids. I thought it was the depression. I thought it was the, er, female trouble and the resulting anemia. I thought it was the anxiety and panic attacks. I thought it was deailng with two busy boys in school. I'd start to feel better, get a little energy, and then something, a cold or a trip or a stretch of busy days, would knock me down again. Now, with my "baby" in junior high and my older son out of the house and off to college, I've finally realized that I'm not going to wake up one morning magically feeling better.

It's been especially frustrating because all the things that are supposed to give you more energy don't help me. Exercise is supposed to energize you; it knocks me flat for the whole day. I'd been thinking maybe I was exercising wrong. Getting more sleep is supposed to restore your energy; if anything, I feel worse after 8 hours of sleep than I do after 5 or 6. Healthy diet: I eat a healthy diet, in fact, thinking that a little more healthy food would give me a boost of energy has helped me put on 40 pounds.

So I'm thinking I've probably got chronic fatigue syndrome.  I'm going in for a physical next week (had to anyway; my doctor holds my blood pressure med refills hostage unless I go in and see her every couple of years) so I'll talk to her about it. I'm also thinking maybe a thyroid imbalance, but kind of doubt it. There isn't really any treatment to cure chronic fatigue, but there are ways to manage it, and maybe increase your energy a little. Mainly I want to learn how to cope with it, and be able to do as much as I can, and not feel guilty for knowing my body's limits and respecting them. No, I can't do everything that other people I know do but I do what I can even though it's hard. I just want to be able to do things like normal people without always being overwhelmed with fatigue to the point where I can barely move or think.

New favorite song: "This Time Imperfect," by AFI. Hidden track from the "Sing the Sorrow" album. (YouTube videos: live performance and album version with DNAngel AMV.) I've listened to this about 500 billion times in the last 6 days. Heart-wrenchingly beautiful. The lyrics are going up on the NNT dedications page; perfect for Nephrite's death scene.